You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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