This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
