You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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