I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize