Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
