My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
two words: eviction party
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize