just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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