Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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