Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Help. Why am I so naked?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
