I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Couch. On fire.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
