I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
