Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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