i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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