I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
