I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
