My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
