It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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