You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
