I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
