my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
