I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
