i just wanna soil my oats bro
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
