life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My vagina is officially offended.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
