Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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