Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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