I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
