Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize