if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
