It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize