there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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