you would pick up someone in the library
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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