What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
