In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
