i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
