remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
