i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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