I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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