sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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