hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize