Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Dicks are not precious.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
