Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
