The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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