Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
