Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
