Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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