fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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