I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
