And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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