Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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