Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
