nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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