im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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