And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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