She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
