The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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