I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize