i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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