Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
