According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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