you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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