Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
