My hand turned me down
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
